Debut

Despite my misgivings about the sincerity of their offer, Debbie and Trina for once stayed true to their word, and I had my first barrel race with Jet last week. It. Was. AWESOME. It's been such a long time since I've been racing (I think my last race with Belle was at the end of July or early August last year) that I'd almost forgotten how fun it is. And Jet is a blast to ride-- he's much more powerful than Belle, and far faster around the turns.

I was a little nervous about getting him in the gate, as his power tends to get the best of his rider and he occasionally decides it's up to him to do the driving. But Jet and I have been working together long enough now that all he needed was a little reminder from me up front ("Oh. You're still in control. Okay. I'll chill, then.") and he was great. He's a smooth runner, and so, despite my nerves, once we got going I was able to settle in and focus on what I needed to do to keep our turns sharp. With (mostly) good results. I netted my fastest time by far (attributable to his speed rather than anything I did), but I do really need to work on my first barrel and my timing.

Still, improvement comes with practice, and Debbie and Trina have yet (even now) to change their minds, so it looks as if I'll have plenty of time this summer to work on things with him. I know I'll always have to be prepared to lose him unexpectedly, as around here, things change rapidly and with little reason. But I'm slowly becoming more confident that he really will be all mine for the next few months. I already have plans for the coming weekend with him, and a few other jackpot races coming up in the next couple weeks. I'm also starting to envision other fun things for us to do-- trail rides, sorting practices, and maybe some light cattle work now and then.

I've been so happy the past few days, thinking about our first race together, how awesome it felt to be on a much higher-caliber barrel horse than those I've ridden before, and looking forward to racing on a regular basis again. This may very well be my last opportunity for a long while to horseback ride with any regularity, so I plan on making the most of it.

Summer, here I come! And Jet? He's coming with me.

Jet Set

In another strange, yet not entirely unexpected, change of circumstances on the ranch (which occur here rather more often than should be realistic), the proprietors of the business have decided that, since I'm off to graduate school in just four months, I really should have the opportunity to barrel race this summer, if I so choose.

Oh, I most definitely choose.

Just as quickly as Debbie and Marlene decided I could not use Louis (at Trina's whim, of course), they altered their intentions for their other available horses, creating new opportunities for me. Alright, that may not be entirely true. In all actuality, the lease on Jet fell through, and Trina is no longer interested in using Morgan, since she has Durango now, and recently purchased Bud, a futurity horse, with which to work. That leaves two well-bred, competitive western speed horses on the ranch being maintained for performance without actually being used to perform.

The upshot of all that is, this morning Marlene called me into the office and offered me use of both Morgan and Jet for the summer. I credit myself with a great deal of self control for not having laughed aloud at her proposal. Just a few days ago, I had been assured that there was no chance of me using even one of their good performance horses this summer. Now they're offering two?

It seems this time, however, I have reason to be cautiously optimistic. The benefit of them offering me the use of two horses (as opposed to one) is that, should Trina pitch a fit and decide she wants to claim one of them, again, as hers and hers alone, that should still leave one horse remaining for me to use. And I happen to like both horses a great deal, and have no overwhelming preference for one over the other.

I told them I'd start off with Jet. Although he's harder to control than Morgan and requires more finesse in handling, I've been working with him longer and have a better feel for him. Marlene did tell me, however, that even if I do decided to use Jet, there should be no reason why I couldn't race him one week and take Morgan the next, or take Jet to a race and Morgan to a gymkhana, or vice versa.

Jet is also a (somewhat) more secure choice. Although Trina still has lingering interest in riding Jet, the likelihood of him becoming suddenly 'off-limits' to me is smaller than with Morgan. First, they're in the process of attempting to breed Morgan. Assuming the pregnancy takes, although she'll still be able to run for many months, I imagine they'll want to be careful with her, and not push her too hard. Debbie, in particular, will likely become neurotic about her health and physical capabilities.

Second, they will never sell Jet. Marlene is too taken with him-- if they ever decide they don't want him on the ranch, Marlene will make sure she can purchase him. Morgan, on the other hand, will likely be sold at some point. If she does become pregnant they might choose to keep her for a brood mare. Otherwise, she is too solid a horse to be left around jobless. If they can't get her pregnant they'll move her on to another home. It may take months (or even years) for that to happen, but not necessarily. Should the right buyer come along, and the opportunity arises for her to go to a good family that will care for her properly, they would most certainly sell her-- even if it meant breaking a lease with me in the middle of the summer.

So Jet it is, tentatively, although I imagine I'll ask to try them both out at first. Perhaps I'll even trade back and forth for a time, because I really do like the two of them equally. If neither is being used, they should have no qualms with me working them both over the summer. Twice the number of horses should equal twice the opportunity for fun, right?

It is important to note that this could, of course, change immediately in the course of the next week or month (or day). If I've gained anything from this job, it has come in the form of a great deal of flexibility and nearly limitless patience. Which does, occasionally, pay off. I'll have a horse for the summer after all!

Horseless

This is my first attempt at reverting to posting on a regular basis. See? It's possible! Although I suppose I should give it a few weeks before I start feeling accomplished.

I realized that it's been a while since I've mentioned life on the ranch. Technically, I was supposed to have become Trina's full-time tutor at the beginning of the year, transitioning away from my position as a ranch hand to help her with her first semester of college.

Which I did. For a couple of weeks, I no longer worked in the barn at all, and instead helped Trina with her assignments, studying, and test preparations. Until she dropped all her classes and decided she didn't want to be in school.

Yeah. There's a long, ridiculous story there. But suffice to say that it ends with her being more or less aimless in life, and me going back to barn work until grad school.

I can't say I'm displeased. As rewarding as tutoring can be, and as much as I enjoy teaching, Trina is one of the least motivated students I've ever met, to the point of being obstinate. Debbie doesn't help matters, caving to the idea that Trina "just isn't smart enough" and that she needs her hand held in order to accomplish the simplest of tasks. Trina is smart enough to play her, again and again. She doesn't lack the intelligence to succeed, but the work ethic. Nothing I can do will change that.

The novelty of working on a ranch is starting to wear off, in part, I believe, because I'm no longer getting to 'play.' At the end of last summer, they decided to lease Belle, the mare I was using to race, to another family. Belle is in a great place, and is doing really well, but as a result I haven't been able to compete since August. When Belle left, there wasn't a really good 'replacement' for me to work with.

My riding abilities have improved since that time, to the point where a few of their other horses would now be suitable for me to use in barrel races. But of course, as with everything else here, there always ends up being some issue somewhere that prevents any semblance of ease.

First, it was suggested that I lease one of Marlene's horses. I thought this sounded like a solid idea. The problem was that two of her 'available' horses aren't broke, and the other two are trained for rough stock, and not speed-- instead of barrel racing and pole bending, they're ropers, cutters, and sorters.

Then, they decided I could use Jet. I was thrilled with this idea, as I love Jet's personality, and he can be pretty competitive. Just days after the suggestion, they had an offer to lease Jet during junior's rodeos, and Marlene decided she didn't want Jet run more than a couple times a month.

After Jet was out of the equation, I suggested Louis. Louis is a step up from Belle, and wasn't being used. Trina "hates" him. Their personalities clash, and they fight each other constantly. The intention was for Trina to stop using Louis entirely, continue to use her newest horse, Durango, in barrels, and purchase another horse to use as back-up.

Surprise, surprise, though, as soon as I started using Louis, the minute we started clicking as a team, Trina suddenly changed her mind about him, and decided she wanted him as her back-up. *sigh* That's the biggest problem with using any of Trina's horses. At any time, on her whim, the horse could be pulled out from under me.

Now we're nearing summer, and racing series are starting to pop up again. The days are lengthening, the weather improving, and it won't be too much longer before evening barrel races become weekly events. With only four months remaining before I quit the ranch and move, I want to take advantage of the time I have left here and the opportunities I have to ride.

I'd like to get something set up as soon as possible, but right now I'm at a loss at which angle to pursue. Trina's horses, in one way or another, are all more or less off-limits. Marlene's horses may not be suitable without extensive training-- and I'm certainly not well-versed enough in Horse to do the training myself. As for leasing outside of the ranch, I'm not sure I could afford it. I could lease a horse here at cost, just what it requires to pay for hay and sweet feed. Elsewhere I'd likely pay fees on top of that, and horses aren't cheap to lease. I'm trying to save money right now, and I just can't justify losing a couple hundred dollars a month (or more) just to barrel race.

Hopefully I'll be able to work something out. I really miss Belle. I outgrew her, to some extent, but I miss working with the same horse every day, and really developing that relationship. Very few days go by when I don't ride, but riding as a job and riding for fun are two very different beasts.

Moving Forward

April 15th has come and gone, and, officially, I will be heading to graduate school this fall at West Coast University. I did not receive any other offers, so in the end there was no choice for me to make. The decision simply came down to whether or not I wanted to go to school at WCU. I STILL haven't received official notification from four of the schools to which I applied. I'm reminded again how ludicrous this process has been. For the amount of time and money I invested in applying, I would have hoped (both this year and last) to have received more timely responses from programs. To some extent, though, it no longer matters. I was admitted somewhere, I accepted the offer, and I'll soon start working toward my PhD.

I've become a great deal more excited about the prospect of attending WCU after having accepted the offer of admission. The fact that everything is now concrete, the solidity of being able to expect what's in the future, that I can finally start making actual plans toward moving on with my life, has all been cathartic. I am, of course, nervous at the prospect of moving thousands of miles from home. And there are still unknowns in play-- the difficulty of the coursework, of balancing teaching, classes, research, homework; the departmental politics; the incoming cohort and how I may or may not fit in; how quickly I'll be able to find my bearings in a new environment; whether my research ideas will play out in a timely fashion; whether I'll be able to feed myself on my paltry stipend.

I admittedly still have some reservations about the department, specifically in regards to required coursework. I keep reminding myself, however, that everyone has reservations about their programs, and that, even though current grad students at WCU have often complained about how frustrating courses can be, they've all remarked (begrudgingly, perhaps) that they've found the material more useful the farther they've gotten into their research. I'll have to keep that in mind for next year.

For now, however, the feeling of finally being able to work toward something again, of finally being able to embark toward the next stage of my life, is helping suppress all misgivings or doubts. I'm in! I'm funded! I'm going to graduate school!

Thirty Days

There are exactly thirty days remaining until I must make my final decision about graduate school and submit a binding contract to guarantee a funded spot for the fall. In some ways, the idea of making a decision is quite formidable. But at this point it looks as if there will be no decision to make-- I only have one acceptance.

I still have five schools from which I have not heard, but I found out pretty early on last year that in biological sciences acceptances are made long before rejections. I plan on being more persistent this year, though. If I still haven't received notifications (one way or another) from the remaining five schools by the end of this week, I plan on contacting them all for an update. I simply can't afford to wait around anymore. If I receive a funded acceptance it's going to be pretty important for me to make a visit to the program before I make my decision, and with the Council of Graduate Schools' April 15th deadline looming on the horizon, the time left in play for such visits is becoming shorter by the day.

For some reason, I've found it hard to be excited about my acceptance to West Coast University. It makes little sense-- I've spent the past two years trying to get into grad school and I finally received a funded offer from a decent school. It was an early acceptance, too. I wasn't just a third- or fourth-go candidate. I was a top pick. I like the current grad students in the lab, I like the city. Hell, I even have friends in the area. I think the professor and I would get along, and I'd be given plenty of flexibility in choosing exactly what I want to research.

So why is it that I'm not happy about it?

I have no idea. Really. Early onset impostor syndrome? No-acceptances-last-year-and-only-one-this-year feelings of psychological inadequacy? Not-the-perfect-fit disease? Or perhaps it's the fact that during this whole process, when I was accepted to West Coast U, the interview at my top-choice program, Metro U, was still ahead. I became so emotionally invested in the idea of attending Metro U that everything palled in comparison, and nothing was as good as, or could be as good as, an acceptance there.

Then, of course, I received my rejection from Metro U. After a few days of deep-seated unhappiness, I started trying to reevaluate and come to better terms with West Coast U. And slowly, very slowly, I've begun to feel inklings of something like happiness about the acceptance, and I have every hope that eventually I'll be just as excited about West Coast U as I did about Metro U.

I still haven't heard from my second- or third-choice schools. So perhaps there is still a chance that I'll get to make a decision, after all. I'm counting down to April 15th. A whole host of new challenges and difficulties will await me after I've signed the contract off. But at least I won't be waiting on damned admissions notifications anymore.

I'm in

I received notification last week about an acceptance to the graduate program at West Coast University, complete with a short-term funding package. A not-so-great-but-better-than-nothing funding package. A living-with-three-roommates-and-eating-noodles-and-beans funding package. Ah, well. It's better than nothing, I suppose.

I thought I'd be excited, but I'm more relieved than anything. West Coast University falls in the middle of the list of schools I'd most like to attend, so although it's not my first (or second, or third) choice, I know now that I won't be shut out again this year, and I will definitely be heading to grad school in the fall!

I'm still waiting to hear back from MetroU about final admissions decisions post-interview. Interviewing was a strange experience-- I enjoyed it, liked meeting the current grad students and professors at the school, and I like the program a great deal, but I feel it's difficult to gauge a department's interest when they're simultaneously courting and judging candidates. It's a strange sort of game, one in which I wouldn't have been surprised to hear an interviewer say, "If we admit you, we REALLY want you to come here! If we admit you. We might not. We might like someone else better. We're not sure yet. But if we do, you should definitely come here, and not go to another school. Okay?"

I really hope I get an acceptance from MetroU sometime in the next couple weeks. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised with a rejection letter. I'm competing with more than fifty other individuals vying for spots in the department as a whole, and I've figured my chances of admission to the specific lab to which I applied to be roughly 25%, give or take 25% (there is some logic in that estimate, although I can't explain it here). Not impossible, but the odds aren't great. That being said, I think my research interests are a great fit, and I think I'm well-suited to the program as a whole. I'd really love to get another acceptance, especially from MetroU, so I'll continue to wait it out and keep my fingers crossed for more good news.

A Love Letter

Dear Top Choice School,

I love you.

You don't know me, and we've never met, but I know you. I've been internet-stalking you for weeks.

Wait! Before you decide I'm a total creeper and run off, never to look back, give me a chance!

We were made for each other, you and I. You don't know it yet, but you need me just as much as I need you (Okay, maybe that's true. I certainly need you. Really, really need you.) We could change each other-- help one another work towards lofty goals, push the other toward success and notoriety and respect.

In the evenings I sit around and fantasize about our life together. Oh how wonderful we would be as a team!

I know it's not right, not healthy. There are other schools out there (but none that, on paper, I like better than you!). And there are other students. Perhaps you'll find someone else you like better, someone smarter, or with more experience, or with more charm.

And then I'll be sad. Devastated. Because that's how much I've grown to love you. You see, I know we fit together perfectly, like yin and yang, or two pieces of a puzzle.

Hopefully, we'll meet each other soon, and I can show you what I mean when I say that you were made for me. Hopefully, you'll give me a chance, and will really let me lay everything out on the table, why my hopes and dreams can best be fulfilled with you, how I'm getting to the point where I can't imagine doing my research without you. And hopefully you won't mistake my eagerness for desperation, or my enthusiasm for avarice.

Just give me a chance, Top Choice School! Please! I know you're looking at other students, and maybe they're more qualified than I am, or maybe you're more attracted to them for other reasons I can't see. I don't know. But if you give me the opportunity to plead my case, if you set me up for success, I know you'll see in me, in us, what I've seen all along. We belong together.

Please, Top Choice School. Love me back. Accept me. You won't regret it.

Love,
jax

(Not creepy at all, right?)