This is my first attempt at reverting to posting on a regular basis. See? It's possible! Although I suppose I should give it a few weeks before I start feeling accomplished.
I realized that it's been a while since I've mentioned life on the ranch. Technically, I was supposed to have become Trina's full-time tutor at the beginning of the year, transitioning away from my position as a ranch hand to help her with her first semester of college.
Which I did. For a couple of weeks, I no longer worked in the barn at all, and instead helped Trina with her assignments, studying, and test preparations. Until she dropped all her classes and decided she didn't want to be in school.
Yeah. There's a long, ridiculous story there. But suffice to say that it ends with her being more or less aimless in life, and me going back to barn work until grad school.
I can't say I'm displeased. As rewarding as tutoring can be, and as much as I enjoy teaching, Trina is one of the least motivated students I've ever met, to the point of being obstinate. Debbie doesn't help matters, caving to the idea that Trina "just isn't smart enough" and that she needs her hand held in order to accomplish the simplest of tasks. Trina is smart enough to play her, again and again. She doesn't lack the intelligence to succeed, but the work ethic. Nothing I can do will change that.
The novelty of working on a ranch is starting to wear off, in part, I believe, because I'm no longer getting to 'play.' At the end of last summer, they decided to lease Belle, the mare I was using to race, to another family. Belle is in a great place, and is doing really well, but as a result I haven't been able to compete since August. When Belle left, there wasn't a really good 'replacement' for me to work with.
My riding abilities have improved since that time, to the point where a few of their other horses would now be suitable for me to use in barrel races. But of course, as with everything else here, there always ends up being some issue somewhere that prevents any semblance of ease.
First, it was suggested that I lease one of Marlene's horses. I thought this sounded like a solid idea. The problem was that two of her 'available' horses aren't broke, and the other two are trained for rough stock, and not speed-- instead of barrel racing and pole bending, they're ropers, cutters, and sorters.
Then, they decided I could use Jet. I was thrilled with this idea, as I love Jet's personality, and he can be pretty competitive. Just days after the suggestion, they had an offer to lease Jet during junior's rodeos, and Marlene decided she didn't want Jet run more than a couple times a month.
After Jet was out of the equation, I suggested Louis. Louis is a step up from Belle, and wasn't being used. Trina "hates" him. Their personalities clash, and they fight each other constantly. The intention was for Trina to stop using Louis entirely, continue to use her newest horse, Durango, in barrels, and purchase another horse to use as back-up.
Surprise, surprise, though, as soon as I started using Louis, the minute we started clicking as a team, Trina suddenly changed her mind about him, and decided she wanted him as her back-up. *sigh* That's the biggest problem with using any of Trina's horses. At any time, on her whim, the horse could be pulled out from under me.
Now we're nearing summer, and racing series are starting to pop up again. The days are lengthening, the weather improving, and it won't be too much longer before evening barrel races become weekly events. With only four months remaining before I quit the ranch and move, I want to take advantage of the time I have left here and the opportunities I have to ride.
I'd like to get something set up as soon as possible, but right now I'm at a loss at which angle to pursue. Trina's horses, in one way or another, are all more or less off-limits. Marlene's horses may not be suitable without extensive training-- and I'm certainly not well-versed enough in Horse to do the training myself. As for leasing outside of the ranch, I'm not sure I could afford it. I could lease a horse here at cost, just what it requires to pay for hay and sweet feed. Elsewhere I'd likely pay fees on top of that, and horses aren't cheap to lease. I'm trying to save money right now, and I just can't justify losing a couple hundred dollars a month (or more) just to barrel race.
Hopefully I'll be able to work something out. I really miss Belle. I outgrew her, to some extent, but I miss working with the same horse every day, and really developing that relationship. Very few days go by when I don't ride, but riding as a job and riding for fun are two very different beasts.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Moving Forward
April 15th has come and gone, and, officially, I will be heading to graduate school this fall at West Coast University. I did not receive any other offers, so in the end there was no choice for me to make. The decision simply came down to whether or not I wanted to go to school at WCU. I STILL haven't received official notification from four of the schools to which I applied. I'm reminded again how ludicrous this process has been. For the amount of time and money I invested in applying, I would have hoped (both this year and last) to have received more timely responses from programs. To some extent, though, it no longer matters. I was admitted somewhere, I accepted the offer, and I'll soon start working toward my PhD.
I've become a great deal more excited about the prospect of attending WCU after having accepted the offer of admission. The fact that everything is now concrete, the solidity of being able to expect what's in the future, that I can finally start making actual plans toward moving on with my life, has all been cathartic. I am, of course, nervous at the prospect of moving thousands of miles from home. And there are still unknowns in play-- the difficulty of the coursework, of balancing teaching, classes, research, homework; the departmental politics; the incoming cohort and how I may or may not fit in; how quickly I'll be able to find my bearings in a new environment; whether my research ideas will play out in a timely fashion; whether I'll be able to feed myself on my paltry stipend.
I admittedly still have some reservations about the department, specifically in regards to required coursework. I keep reminding myself, however, that everyone has reservations about their programs, and that, even though current grad students at WCU have often complained about how frustrating courses can be, they've all remarked (begrudgingly, perhaps) that they've found the material more useful the farther they've gotten into their research. I'll have to keep that in mind for next year.
For now, however, the feeling of finally being able to work toward something again, of finally being able to embark toward the next stage of my life, is helping suppress all misgivings or doubts. I'm in! I'm funded! I'm going to graduate school!
I've become a great deal more excited about the prospect of attending WCU after having accepted the offer of admission. The fact that everything is now concrete, the solidity of being able to expect what's in the future, that I can finally start making actual plans toward moving on with my life, has all been cathartic. I am, of course, nervous at the prospect of moving thousands of miles from home. And there are still unknowns in play-- the difficulty of the coursework, of balancing teaching, classes, research, homework; the departmental politics; the incoming cohort and how I may or may not fit in; how quickly I'll be able to find my bearings in a new environment; whether my research ideas will play out in a timely fashion; whether I'll be able to feed myself on my paltry stipend.
I admittedly still have some reservations about the department, specifically in regards to required coursework. I keep reminding myself, however, that everyone has reservations about their programs, and that, even though current grad students at WCU have often complained about how frustrating courses can be, they've all remarked (begrudgingly, perhaps) that they've found the material more useful the farther they've gotten into their research. I'll have to keep that in mind for next year.
For now, however, the feeling of finally being able to work toward something again, of finally being able to embark toward the next stage of my life, is helping suppress all misgivings or doubts. I'm in! I'm funded! I'm going to graduate school!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Thirty Days
There are exactly thirty days remaining until I must make my final decision about graduate school and submit a binding contract to guarantee a funded spot for the fall. In some ways, the idea of making a decision is quite formidable. But at this point it looks as if there will be no decision to make-- I only have one acceptance.
I still have five schools from which I have not heard, but I found out pretty early on last year that in biological sciences acceptances are made long before rejections. I plan on being more persistent this year, though. If I still haven't received notifications (one way or another) from the remaining five schools by the end of this week, I plan on contacting them all for an update. I simply can't afford to wait around anymore. If I receive a funded acceptance it's going to be pretty important for me to make a visit to the program before I make my decision, and with the Council of Graduate Schools' April 15th deadline looming on the horizon, the time left in play for such visits is becoming shorter by the day.
For some reason, I've found it hard to be excited about my acceptance to West Coast University. It makes little sense-- I've spent the past two years trying to get into grad school and I finally received a funded offer from a decent school. It was an early acceptance, too. I wasn't just a third- or fourth-go candidate. I was a top pick. I like the current grad students in the lab, I like the city. Hell, I even have friends in the area. I think the professor and I would get along, and I'd be given plenty of flexibility in choosing exactly what I want to research.
So why is it that I'm not happy about it?
I have no idea. Really. Early onset impostor syndrome? No-acceptances-last-year-and-only-one-this-year feelings of psychological inadequacy? Not-the-perfect-fit disease? Or perhaps it's the fact that during this whole process, when I was accepted to West Coast U, the interview at my top-choice program, Metro U, was still ahead. I became so emotionally invested in the idea of attending Metro U that everything palled in comparison, and nothing was as good as, or could be as good as, an acceptance there.
Then, of course, I received my rejection from Metro U. After a few days of deep-seated unhappiness, I started trying to reevaluate and come to better terms with West Coast U. And slowly, very slowly, I've begun to feel inklings of something like happiness about the acceptance, and I have every hope that eventually I'll be just as excited about West Coast U as I did about Metro U.
I still haven't heard from my second- or third-choice schools. So perhaps there is still a chance that I'll get to make a decision, after all. I'm counting down to April 15th. A whole host of new challenges and difficulties will await me after I've signed the contract off. But at least I won't be waiting on damned admissions notifications anymore.
I still have five schools from which I have not heard, but I found out pretty early on last year that in biological sciences acceptances are made long before rejections. I plan on being more persistent this year, though. If I still haven't received notifications (one way or another) from the remaining five schools by the end of this week, I plan on contacting them all for an update. I simply can't afford to wait around anymore. If I receive a funded acceptance it's going to be pretty important for me to make a visit to the program before I make my decision, and with the Council of Graduate Schools' April 15th deadline looming on the horizon, the time left in play for such visits is becoming shorter by the day.
For some reason, I've found it hard to be excited about my acceptance to West Coast University. It makes little sense-- I've spent the past two years trying to get into grad school and I finally received a funded offer from a decent school. It was an early acceptance, too. I wasn't just a third- or fourth-go candidate. I was a top pick. I like the current grad students in the lab, I like the city. Hell, I even have friends in the area. I think the professor and I would get along, and I'd be given plenty of flexibility in choosing exactly what I want to research.
So why is it that I'm not happy about it?
I have no idea. Really. Early onset impostor syndrome? No-acceptances-last-year-and-only-one-this-year feelings of psychological inadequacy? Not-the-perfect-fit disease? Or perhaps it's the fact that during this whole process, when I was accepted to West Coast U, the interview at my top-choice program, Metro U, was still ahead. I became so emotionally invested in the idea of attending Metro U that everything palled in comparison, and nothing was as good as, or could be as good as, an acceptance there.
Then, of course, I received my rejection from Metro U. After a few days of deep-seated unhappiness, I started trying to reevaluate and come to better terms with West Coast U. And slowly, very slowly, I've begun to feel inklings of something like happiness about the acceptance, and I have every hope that eventually I'll be just as excited about West Coast U as I did about Metro U.
I still haven't heard from my second- or third-choice schools. So perhaps there is still a chance that I'll get to make a decision, after all. I'm counting down to April 15th. A whole host of new challenges and difficulties will await me after I've signed the contract off. But at least I won't be waiting on damned admissions notifications anymore.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
I'm in
I received notification last week about an acceptance to the graduate program at West Coast University, complete with a short-term funding package. A not-so-great-but-better-than-nothing funding package. A living-with-three-roommates-and-eating-noodles-and-beans funding package. Ah, well. It's better than nothing, I suppose.
I thought I'd be excited, but I'm more relieved than anything. West Coast University falls in the middle of the list of schools I'd most like to attend, so although it's not my first (or second, or third) choice, I know now that I won't be shut out again this year, and I will definitely be heading to grad school in the fall!
I'm still waiting to hear back from MetroU about final admissions decisions post-interview. Interviewing was a strange experience-- I enjoyed it, liked meeting the current grad students and professors at the school, and I like the program a great deal, but I feel it's difficult to gauge a department's interest when they're simultaneously courting and judging candidates. It's a strange sort of game, one in which I wouldn't have been surprised to hear an interviewer say, "If we admit you, we REALLY want you to come here! If we admit you. We might not. We might like someone else better. We're not sure yet. But if we do, you should definitely come here, and not go to another school. Okay?"
I really hope I get an acceptance from MetroU sometime in the next couple weeks. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised with a rejection letter. I'm competing with more than fifty other individuals vying for spots in the department as a whole, and I've figured my chances of admission to the specific lab to which I applied to be roughly 25%, give or take 25% (there is some logic in that estimate, although I can't explain it here). Not impossible, but the odds aren't great. That being said, I think my research interests are a great fit, and I think I'm well-suited to the program as a whole. I'd really love to get another acceptance, especially from MetroU, so I'll continue to wait it out and keep my fingers crossed for more good news.
I thought I'd be excited, but I'm more relieved than anything. West Coast University falls in the middle of the list of schools I'd most like to attend, so although it's not my first (or second, or third) choice, I know now that I won't be shut out again this year, and I will definitely be heading to grad school in the fall!
I'm still waiting to hear back from MetroU about final admissions decisions post-interview. Interviewing was a strange experience-- I enjoyed it, liked meeting the current grad students and professors at the school, and I like the program a great deal, but I feel it's difficult to gauge a department's interest when they're simultaneously courting and judging candidates. It's a strange sort of game, one in which I wouldn't have been surprised to hear an interviewer say, "If we admit you, we REALLY want you to come here! If we admit you. We might not. We might like someone else better. We're not sure yet. But if we do, you should definitely come here, and not go to another school. Okay?"
I really hope I get an acceptance from MetroU sometime in the next couple weeks. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised with a rejection letter. I'm competing with more than fifty other individuals vying for spots in the department as a whole, and I've figured my chances of admission to the specific lab to which I applied to be roughly 25%, give or take 25% (there is some logic in that estimate, although I can't explain it here). Not impossible, but the odds aren't great. That being said, I think my research interests are a great fit, and I think I'm well-suited to the program as a whole. I'd really love to get another acceptance, especially from MetroU, so I'll continue to wait it out and keep my fingers crossed for more good news.
Monday, February 7, 2011
A Love Letter
Dear Top Choice School,
I love you.
You don't know me, and we've never met, but I know you. I've been internet-stalking you for weeks.
Wait! Before you decide I'm a total creeper and run off, never to look back, give me a chance!
We were made for each other, you and I. You don't know it yet, but you need me just as much as I need you (Okay, maybe that's true. I certainly need you. Really, really need you.) We could change each other-- help one another work towards lofty goals, push the other toward success and notoriety and respect.
In the evenings I sit around and fantasize about our life together. Oh how wonderful we would be as a team!
I know it's not right, not healthy. There are other schools out there (but none that, on paper, I like better than you!). And there are other students. Perhaps you'll find someone else you like better, someone smarter, or with more experience, or with more charm.
And then I'll be sad. Devastated. Because that's how much I've grown to love you. You see, I know we fit together perfectly, like yin and yang, or two pieces of a puzzle.
Hopefully, we'll meet each other soon, and I can show you what I mean when I say that you were made for me. Hopefully, you'll give me a chance, and will really let me lay everything out on the table, why my hopes and dreams can best be fulfilled with you, how I'm getting to the point where I can't imagine doing my research without you. And hopefully you won't mistake my eagerness for desperation, or my enthusiasm for avarice.
Just give me a chance, Top Choice School! Please! I know you're looking at other students, and maybe they're more qualified than I am, or maybe you're more attracted to them for other reasons I can't see. I don't know. But if you give me the opportunity to plead my case, if you set me up for success, I know you'll see in me, in us, what I've seen all along. We belong together.
Please, Top Choice School. Love me back. Accept me. You won't regret it.
Love,
jax
(Not creepy at all, right?)
I love you.
You don't know me, and we've never met, but I know you. I've been internet-stalking you for weeks.
Wait! Before you decide I'm a total creeper and run off, never to look back, give me a chance!
We were made for each other, you and I. You don't know it yet, but you need me just as much as I need you (Okay, maybe that's true. I certainly need you. Really, really need you.) We could change each other-- help one another work towards lofty goals, push the other toward success and notoriety and respect.
In the evenings I sit around and fantasize about our life together. Oh how wonderful we would be as a team!
I know it's not right, not healthy. There are other schools out there (but none that, on paper, I like better than you!). And there are other students. Perhaps you'll find someone else you like better, someone smarter, or with more experience, or with more charm.
And then I'll be sad. Devastated. Because that's how much I've grown to love you. You see, I know we fit together perfectly, like yin and yang, or two pieces of a puzzle.
Hopefully, we'll meet each other soon, and I can show you what I mean when I say that you were made for me. Hopefully, you'll give me a chance, and will really let me lay everything out on the table, why my hopes and dreams can best be fulfilled with you, how I'm getting to the point where I can't imagine doing my research without you. And hopefully you won't mistake my eagerness for desperation, or my enthusiasm for avarice.
Just give me a chance, Top Choice School! Please! I know you're looking at other students, and maybe they're more qualified than I am, or maybe you're more attracted to them for other reasons I can't see. I don't know. But if you give me the opportunity to plead my case, if you set me up for success, I know you'll see in me, in us, what I've seen all along. We belong together.
Please, Top Choice School. Love me back. Accept me. You won't regret it.
Love,
jax
(Not creepy at all, right?)
Saturday, January 29, 2011
No News is No News
It's almost February. If I'm lucky (and correctly informed), I should start hearing back from programs in February. If, of course, I've been accepted. If not, it will likely be the end of March before I receive rejection letters, like last year.
I've tried to figure out the most likely time frame for notification of acceptances, using departmental guidelines listed on school's websites as well as a thorough scanning of the Grad Cafe's results list from previous years. This is an inexact science, so my estimates could be WAY off base, but from what I can gather February is usually the month with the most acceptances, and anything after that tends to be rejections. There are a couple late acceptances here and there, most in the first week of March. A few random stragglers (probably waitlisted candidates that got lucky) hear into the first week in April. But these are all different schools and different programs from those to which I applied, and there's really no telling when I'll hear what.
I hate waiting, because I can't stop thinking about it. Maybe I'll get lucky and get an acceptance next week. That way, at least I could chill out a little and not have to worry about getting rejected across the board. Again.
I've tried to figure out the most likely time frame for notification of acceptances, using departmental guidelines listed on school's websites as well as a thorough scanning of the Grad Cafe's results list from previous years. This is an inexact science, so my estimates could be WAY off base, but from what I can gather February is usually the month with the most acceptances, and anything after that tends to be rejections. There are a couple late acceptances here and there, most in the first week of March. A few random stragglers (probably waitlisted candidates that got lucky) hear into the first week in April. But these are all different schools and different programs from those to which I applied, and there's really no telling when I'll hear what.
I hate waiting, because I can't stop thinking about it. Maybe I'll get lucky and get an acceptance next week. That way, at least I could chill out a little and not have to worry about getting rejected across the board. Again.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
The Waiting Game
The time span between January and mid-April last year was one of the worst I've ever experienced, simply because of the uncertainty surrounding graduate school applications. Schools give rough guidelines as to when to expect admissions decisions, but each school deviates from these, and sometimes individuals are notified much earlier or later than the dates stated on schools' websites, depending on funding, waitlisting, committee meetings, and a myriad of other factors. There wasn't a day that went by last year that I didn't think to myself, "Maybe today will be the day." It's surprising how fast your confidence starts to dry up when February passes and you haven't heard anything. By the middle of February last year, I was pretty well convinced (although not entirely without hope) that I wasn't going to be accepted anywhere. And I was right.
I'm trying not to do that this year. It will be tough, and I'm already failing to some extent. I haven't yet reached the point where I'm obsessively checking my inbox, but I have been thinking about it a lot. I just hope this year that I'll get good news early and can chill out a little and let things run their course afterward. My ultimate goal is to get accepted (with funding) somewhere, but what I'd really like is to have a choice as to where I end up. Even if it's just between two schools, I think the decision-making process will go a long way in helping me transition into grad school, and in knowing I'm headed to the place that's right for me.
I applied to 8 schools:
-New England University
-Midwestern University
-Large Western University
-West Coast University
-UC Somewhere
-Eastern University
-Metropolitan University and
-Old University
As of today, I've only heard from one school, Metropolitan University, where I was invited to interview in February. There's every possibility that I'll interview and won't be accepted (I found out the department is interviewing around 50 candidates for 10-16 spots), but it's a step in the right direction nonetheless. I did receive a somewhat-promising-yet-still-circumspect email from one professor at West Coast University, but he reiterated that final admissions decisions won't be made until the beginning of February. So I suppose for now I'll be planning my trip to MetroU, waiting to hear something definitive, and trying to stay sane.
I'm trying not to do that this year. It will be tough, and I'm already failing to some extent. I haven't yet reached the point where I'm obsessively checking my inbox, but I have been thinking about it a lot. I just hope this year that I'll get good news early and can chill out a little and let things run their course afterward. My ultimate goal is to get accepted (with funding) somewhere, but what I'd really like is to have a choice as to where I end up. Even if it's just between two schools, I think the decision-making process will go a long way in helping me transition into grad school, and in knowing I'm headed to the place that's right for me.
I applied to 8 schools:
-New England University
-Midwestern University
-Large Western University
-West Coast University
-UC Somewhere
-Eastern University
-Metropolitan University and
-Old University
As of today, I've only heard from one school, Metropolitan University, where I was invited to interview in February. There's every possibility that I'll interview and won't be accepted (I found out the department is interviewing around 50 candidates for 10-16 spots), but it's a step in the right direction nonetheless. I did receive a somewhat-promising-yet-still-circumspect email from one professor at West Coast University, but he reiterated that final admissions decisions won't be made until the beginning of February. So I suppose for now I'll be planning my trip to MetroU, waiting to hear something definitive, and trying to stay sane.
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