The Not-So-Great Week

Entitlement can be a dangerous belief. Even when used casually, as in "I believe I deserve this," it can lend false hope to an otherwise unrealistic situation. Such is the story of my life for the past couple weeks.

I've been reluctant to post this week because, although I've had concrete information to share for the first time in over a month, none of it is positive. I wasn't awarded an NSF GRF. And I received two more rejections: UC Somewhere Else and Yet Another UC both rejected my application, and on the same day. So now I'm 0 for 5 for graduate school, and I have no funding to convince cash-strapped schools I'm worth taking in.

I've well aware of the fact that I might not get accepted to graduate school this year. But somewhere, deep down, is that little part of me I can never seem to kill. It's the part that says, "Don't worry. You can't possibly be rejected everywhere. Something will come through. You're being overly-worrisome. There's no way you'll have to spend another year working. There's no way you'll have to re-apply in the fall."

Shut up, hope. You're not making this any easier.

There is only one school remaining to which I applied that hasn't yet informed me of an admissions decision: U of New England Place. Tuesday morning, after having been notified that I didn't receive an NSF award, I emailed the graduate admissions coordinator at UoNEP to inquire about the status of my application. She responded that she'd contacted the PI I'd applied to work with and the admissions coordinator in the ecology department and was waiting to hear back from both. She apologized for the delay in response, and assured me she'd try and "have the decision expedited."

At this point, I'd be extremely reticent about accepting an offer from UoNEP. I haven't had contact with the PI... he seems to be either ridiculously slow or completely uninterested in responding to emails, which makes me think that he might not be the best type of adviser to have. Certainly not the type of adviser I feel I need: supportive, encouraging, responsive, enthusiastic, and always willing to help.

That leaves, I suppose, one other chance for me to go to graduate school in the fall. A new professor at, lets call it U of Northern State, has received funding for two graduate students to do Interesting Work with (borrowing the title from Karina) Critters on conservation-related Questions. The work falls mostly within the realm of my experience and overlaps with many of my research interests and goals. Although there is inherent risk involved, I think it could be fun to work with a new professor, and it might provide the opportunity for more guidance and one-on-one contact than in well-established, populated labs.

I sent the requested information in to to this new professor a couple weeks ago, and I'm hoping I'll hear back from her soon. She might be looking for prospective students with more research experience than I have, and she did state that she'd prefer someone that had worked with Critters or Things Like Critters before, which I haven't. But I'm sure I could do this type of research, and I hope that came across in my cover letter. I'm also hoping that enough prospective students have already accepted positions at other schools to make the competition for the two spots in her lab a little less fierce.

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I tried to keep my chin up this week... I really did. Bad news followed by bad news followed by slightly worse news wasn't quite enough to really set me off. But on top of it all, I've been having some serious problems at work. See, Debbie has developed this idea that, since she's paying me to tutor Trina, I should help her with all her homework. And by "help," she actually means, "do most of it for her."

That's right... background research, making flash cards, project ideas, model construction, diagram labeling, speech-writing, essay construction-- you name it. She expects me to get on the internet and find all the information Trina will need for a project, then spoon-feed it to her, or even better, just show her what she needs to write or construct. And when I protest, and try to reason with Debbie, explaining that Trina isn't learning anything this way (except that it's easier to pay someone to do something for you than to do it yourself), she insists that "Trina can't do it alone," or "she just doesn't have time to do it," and what results is me spending hours doing Trina's homework while she tries to hide the fact that she's sending text messages to her friends and complains about school.

But hey-- I'll probably get straight-A's in all her classes.

It's not enough that the situation frustrates me to no end, but to add insult to injury, the more time I spend doing Trina's homework, the less time I get to spend working in the barn. It was particularly tough this week, as the weather here was gorgeous and sunny, and I wanted nothing more than to be out running barrels in the arena or long-trotting on the trail.

I'd hoped that the weekend would brighten my spirits, but so far it's only served to remind me that jobs are at a premium right now, and I'm going to have to do a lot of applying to have any hope of scoring a field job for the summer.

I feel the need to apologize to all my readers now, because I know it can't be much more fun for you to read about all this doom and gloom than it is for me to write it. I really do wish I had better things to say, that I had exciting opportunities awaiting me, or that I'd received good news or a promising lead. But right now I haven't, so all that's left is the plain truth--the actual state of things-- and it's just not all that great right now.

And to top off a week of unfortunate events, yesterday my little curly-tailed rat, Rizado, started showing signs of a serious respiratory infection, complete with a lot of wheezing and very labored breathing. I'm going to do my very best to get him to a vet early tomorrow morning for antibiotics, but in the interim, it's hard to watch him breathing so hard, and in such obvious discomfort. It's a shame that vet offices aren't open on weekends, and that very few vets understand how to properly treat small animals like rats. Respiratory infections can become very bad very quickly in rats. I just hope that tomorrow will be soon enough to get him seen and started with an effective treatment.