My Failed Application Year

I've been having trouble the past few days envisioning what my life will be like at WCU-- living in a new place, meeting new people, life as a grad student. I have to keep reminding myself that at this time last year, it was very hard for me to envision myself anywhere but where I was-- stuck in a job that was going nowhere in a situation that was far from ideal. The thought of waiting an additional year to enter grand school, of completing the application process a second time, of wending my way through another anxious few months waiting to hear back from admission committees, was nearly overwhelming.

For a while last summer, I was very unhappy. I kept mulling over the things I'd done throughout life that had led me to that point, and wondering where I went wrong. What could I have done differently in high school, in undergrad, in my gap year, in my personal statement, that could have made my first round of grad school applications successful? What was it about me, as a person or a student or a potential ecologist, that didn't quite make the grade? Why was I being passed up in favor of other candidates? What should I have done differently?

I ended up having lengthy conversations with my undergraduate advisers, as well as much shorter interactions with prospective grad advisers. It was difficult to stop wondering what was "wrong" with me and instead focus on the things which I could actually control. It took me months to realize that, regardless of how prepared one may be for graduate school, and despite having all the necessary credentials for admission, even the most qualified applicants aren't guaranteed acceptance-- anywhere. It was difficult for me to reconcile my previous experiences applying to undergrad, where a handful of applications led to a handful of admittance notifications, with the idea that in applying to graduate school, fit is more important that ability, there are far more applicants than available spots, funding is at a premium, and, more than anything, many candidates go through the application process multiple times before getting accepted.

Ultimately, it was a combination of the internet community and a list of tasks to complete in the immediate future that helped me survive my failed application year. As part of The Grad Cafe's online forums I found that I was definitely not the only person applying to grad school a second (or even third) time round, and found at least a modicum of reassurance in knowing that a failed application year isn't as uncommon as it may initially seem. I also focused on being productive at increasing my odds for success in my second round of applications: I presented some research I'd completed as an undergraduate at a national conference, visited the schools in which I had the highest interest to meet with prospective advisers face-to-face, worked another season in the field, restructured my personal statement, and submitted a manuscript to a scholarly journal for review.

Amongst those activities I did what I could to stay sane. I worked my job on the ranch, took care of my apartment, entertained the rats, spent time with my family, and paid the bills. I tried not to think too much about being back in school, but instead attempted to live more in the moment, taking advantage of and enjoying the opportunities I had. And in that respect, I was largely successful. I had the chance to keep working with all the horses on the ranch, have a horse of my own by leasing Jet, improve my barrel racing, take up calf sorting, and spend time out on the trail. I learned to drive a tractor, improved my skills with the skid loader, and expanded my rodeo and horsemanship knowledge. I also took some time to visit a couple new cities, and took my first vacation in years to visit my best friend for a few days earlier this month.

At this point, it's hard for me to say how my upcoming entrance into graduate school will differ as a result of my additional, unexpected gap year. I will never know what my experiences would have been like had I been admitted during my first application season. What I do know is this: my failed application year was difficult, but not impossible. What initially seemed an insurmountable time period was, of course, just another year. Although I was occasionally unhappy with my situation, I did what I could to make the best of it. And I survived.

I had the opportunity to learn and try and participate in some things that I most likely would not have otherwise. My desire to return to school is even stronger than it was before. My additional time off enabled me to better focus my intentions for research. My improved application resulted in an acceptance to a school that seems like the perfect fit for my research and career goals. And even though applying (and waiting to hear back about applications) a second time was in many ways just as miserable as I imagined it would be, I will be heading to grad school in less than two weeks.

It took me a long time to realize that a failed application year didn't necessarily mean that I'd failed. But I think I finally did. And the more I think about it, the more I realize I'm probably better off for it.