Thirty Days

There are exactly thirty days remaining until I must make my final decision about graduate school and submit a binding contract to guarantee a funded spot for the fall. In some ways, the idea of making a decision is quite formidable. But at this point it looks as if there will be no decision to make-- I only have one acceptance.

I still have five schools from which I have not heard, but I found out pretty early on last year that in biological sciences acceptances are made long before rejections. I plan on being more persistent this year, though. If I still haven't received notifications (one way or another) from the remaining five schools by the end of this week, I plan on contacting them all for an update. I simply can't afford to wait around anymore. If I receive a funded acceptance it's going to be pretty important for me to make a visit to the program before I make my decision, and with the Council of Graduate Schools' April 15th deadline looming on the horizon, the time left in play for such visits is becoming shorter by the day.

For some reason, I've found it hard to be excited about my acceptance to West Coast University. It makes little sense-- I've spent the past two years trying to get into grad school and I finally received a funded offer from a decent school. It was an early acceptance, too. I wasn't just a third- or fourth-go candidate. I was a top pick. I like the current grad students in the lab, I like the city. Hell, I even have friends in the area. I think the professor and I would get along, and I'd be given plenty of flexibility in choosing exactly what I want to research.

So why is it that I'm not happy about it?

I have no idea. Really. Early onset impostor syndrome? No-acceptances-last-year-and-only-one-this-year feelings of psychological inadequacy? Not-the-perfect-fit disease? Or perhaps it's the fact that during this whole process, when I was accepted to West Coast U, the interview at my top-choice program, Metro U, was still ahead. I became so emotionally invested in the idea of attending Metro U that everything palled in comparison, and nothing was as good as, or could be as good as, an acceptance there.

Then, of course, I received my rejection from Metro U. After a few days of deep-seated unhappiness, I started trying to reevaluate and come to better terms with West Coast U. And slowly, very slowly, I've begun to feel inklings of something like happiness about the acceptance, and I have every hope that eventually I'll be just as excited about West Coast U as I did about Metro U.

I still haven't heard from my second- or third-choice schools. So perhaps there is still a chance that I'll get to make a decision, after all. I'm counting down to April 15th. A whole host of new challenges and difficulties will await me after I've signed the contract off. But at least I won't be waiting on damned admissions notifications anymore.

I'm in

I received notification last week about an acceptance to the graduate program at West Coast University, complete with a short-term funding package. A not-so-great-but-better-than-nothing funding package. A living-with-three-roommates-and-eating-noodles-and-beans funding package. Ah, well. It's better than nothing, I suppose.

I thought I'd be excited, but I'm more relieved than anything. West Coast University falls in the middle of the list of schools I'd most like to attend, so although it's not my first (or second, or third) choice, I know now that I won't be shut out again this year, and I will definitely be heading to grad school in the fall!

I'm still waiting to hear back from MetroU about final admissions decisions post-interview. Interviewing was a strange experience-- I enjoyed it, liked meeting the current grad students and professors at the school, and I like the program a great deal, but I feel it's difficult to gauge a department's interest when they're simultaneously courting and judging candidates. It's a strange sort of game, one in which I wouldn't have been surprised to hear an interviewer say, "If we admit you, we REALLY want you to come here! If we admit you. We might not. We might like someone else better. We're not sure yet. But if we do, you should definitely come here, and not go to another school. Okay?"

I really hope I get an acceptance from MetroU sometime in the next couple weeks. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised with a rejection letter. I'm competing with more than fifty other individuals vying for spots in the department as a whole, and I've figured my chances of admission to the specific lab to which I applied to be roughly 25%, give or take 25% (there is some logic in that estimate, although I can't explain it here). Not impossible, but the odds aren't great. That being said, I think my research interests are a great fit, and I think I'm well-suited to the program as a whole. I'd really love to get another acceptance, especially from MetroU, so I'll continue to wait it out and keep my fingers crossed for more good news.

A Love Letter

Dear Top Choice School,

I love you.

You don't know me, and we've never met, but I know you. I've been internet-stalking you for weeks.

Wait! Before you decide I'm a total creeper and run off, never to look back, give me a chance!

We were made for each other, you and I. You don't know it yet, but you need me just as much as I need you (Okay, maybe that's true. I certainly need you. Really, really need you.) We could change each other-- help one another work towards lofty goals, push the other toward success and notoriety and respect.

In the evenings I sit around and fantasize about our life together. Oh how wonderful we would be as a team!

I know it's not right, not healthy. There are other schools out there (but none that, on paper, I like better than you!). And there are other students. Perhaps you'll find someone else you like better, someone smarter, or with more experience, or with more charm.

And then I'll be sad. Devastated. Because that's how much I've grown to love you. You see, I know we fit together perfectly, like yin and yang, or two pieces of a puzzle.

Hopefully, we'll meet each other soon, and I can show you what I mean when I say that you were made for me. Hopefully, you'll give me a chance, and will really let me lay everything out on the table, why my hopes and dreams can best be fulfilled with you, how I'm getting to the point where I can't imagine doing my research without you. And hopefully you won't mistake my eagerness for desperation, or my enthusiasm for avarice.

Just give me a chance, Top Choice School! Please! I know you're looking at other students, and maybe they're more qualified than I am, or maybe you're more attracted to them for other reasons I can't see. I don't know. But if you give me the opportunity to plead my case, if you set me up for success, I know you'll see in me, in us, what I've seen all along. We belong together.

Please, Top Choice School. Love me back. Accept me. You won't regret it.

Love,
jax

(Not creepy at all, right?)

No News is No News

It's almost February. If I'm lucky (and correctly informed), I should start hearing back from programs in February. If, of course, I've been accepted. If not, it will likely be the end of March before I receive rejection letters, like last year.

I've tried to figure out the most likely time frame for notification of acceptances, using departmental guidelines listed on school's websites as well as a thorough scanning of the Grad Cafe's results list from previous years. This is an inexact science, so my estimates could be WAY off base, but from what I can gather February is usually the month with the most acceptances, and anything after that tends to be rejections. There are a couple late acceptances here and there, most in the first week of March. A few random stragglers (probably waitlisted candidates that got lucky) hear into the first week in April. But these are all different schools and different programs from those to which I applied, and there's really no telling when I'll hear what.

I hate waiting, because I can't stop thinking about it. Maybe I'll get lucky and get an acceptance next week. That way, at least I could chill out a little and not have to worry about getting rejected across the board. Again.

The Waiting Game

The time span between January and mid-April last year was one of the worst I've ever experienced, simply because of the uncertainty surrounding graduate school applications. Schools give rough guidelines as to when to expect admissions decisions, but each school deviates from these, and sometimes individuals are notified much earlier or later than the dates stated on schools' websites, depending on funding, waitlisting, committee meetings, and a myriad of other factors. There wasn't a day that went by last year that I didn't think to myself, "Maybe today will be the day." It's surprising how fast your confidence starts to dry up when February passes and you haven't heard anything. By the middle of February last year, I was pretty well convinced (although not entirely without hope) that I wasn't going to be accepted anywhere. And I was right.

I'm trying not to do that this year. It will be tough, and I'm already failing to some extent. I haven't yet reached the point where I'm obsessively checking my inbox, but I have been thinking about it a lot. I just hope this year that I'll get good news early and can chill out a little and let things run their course afterward. My ultimate goal is to get accepted (with funding) somewhere, but what I'd really like is to have a choice as to where I end up. Even if it's just between two schools, I think the decision-making process will go a long way in helping me transition into grad school, and in knowing I'm headed to the place that's right for me.

I applied to 8 schools:

-New England University
-Midwestern University
-Large Western University
-West Coast University
-UC Somewhere
-Eastern University
-Metropolitan University and
-Old University

As of today, I've only heard from one school, Metropolitan University, where I was invited to interview in February. There's every possibility that I'll interview and won't be accepted (I found out the department is interviewing around 50 candidates for 10-16 spots), but it's a step in the right direction nonetheless. I did receive a somewhat-promising-yet-still-circumspect email from one professor at West Coast University, but he reiterated that final admissions decisions won't be made until the beginning of February. So I suppose for now I'll be planning my trip to MetroU, waiting to hear something definitive, and trying to stay sane.

A Matter of Trust

Late last week, I received a terrible email. I read the title and my heart sunk. I literally felt as if I'd swallowed it. I didn't know what to do or what to think. So I stood there, staring at it, reading it again and again, trying to find some loophole or punchline somewhere, or waiting for someone to hop out from behind the door and shout "Gotcha! Just kidding!"

But no one did.

The email was from the National Science Foundation. It said, in short, that one of my references had failed to submit a recommendation letter on my behalf. That as a result, my application was considered incomplete, and will not be considered for the Graduate Research Fellowship.

I trust (trusted?) my references. All three are professors at my undergraduate institution. I had extensive interaction with all three-- coursework, advising, fieldwork, travel. I feel that I know all three pretty well, and that, in turn, they know me.

Before I left for my winter fieldwork at the beginning of November, I contacted all three. I made sure they were still willing to serve as references on my behalf. I sent them each a list of the schools and fellowships to which I was applying, and the deadlines for each. I made sure that, after I'd completed my applications, they'd received links and instructions for submitting each letter to each location. I stressed to each of them that I would be in the field and away from internet access for six weeks, a time period encompassing every single application deadline, and that I would be unable to check to make sure they'd submitted their recommendation letters on time.

That, to me, was perhaps most important. They've served as references for me in the past, and last year had no trouble getting their letters in on time. Had I been here, at home, during November and December, I likely would have checked every few days to see if they'd submitted letters or not, and I certainly would have checked every day leading up to submission deadlines. Especially for the NSF GRFP.

I worked really hard on my NSF application this year. I completely re-wrote my research proposal and personal statement, and made significant changes to my research background essay. I asked for feedback and advice from two of my undergraduate advisers and two potential graduate advisers. I went through three drafts-- something I rarely do. I felt really, really good about that application. And, considering I received an honorable mention last year and was able to incorporate the advice I received from last years' reviewers, I felt I had a good shot at winning one of those illusive fellowships this time round.

All of that gone to waste, because someone I was counting on failed to come through. That, perhaps, is the most frustrating, the most disappointing, part of it all-- that the NSF won't consider my application because of something someone else was supposed to have done. Through no fault of my own.

After I received the email I accessed FastLane to see which of my three references had failed to submit a letter. It hadn't even occurred to me to check FastLane when I got back from my fieldwork stint at the end of December. For one thing, I knew it was too late at that point to do anything about it, and, for another, I'd received emails from several schools about having received recommendation letters, which led me to believe that all three of my references had submitted their letters on time.

I called my former thesis adviser, Walt, and asked for his advice. I wasn't sure how to approach the situation, if there was anything, anything at all, that I could do. And I didn't want to interact with the person who forgot the letter, because I wouldn't even know what to say.

He was shocked to hear that said person hadn't submitted his letter. It is extremely uncharacteristic of him, and, of my three references, he's typically the most reliable. Perhaps something had gone wrong, then? Perhaps the issue was on NSF's end, and not on mine? Walt told me he'd look into and get back to me. Later that day, he sent me a brief email, that said only, "We put a call into NSF. Hang tight."

I really wish he'd been more detailed. Does this mean that the letter in question had been submitted, but had gotten lost somewhere in cyberspace? Does this mean that, maybe, just maybe, it was something the NSF did, and not my reference, that resulted in an incomplete application? Is there any teensy tiny itty bitty measly little squitty chance that the NSF will realize some sort of mistake and reconsider my application? Or is it really just that my reference forgot, didn't submit on time, and I'll be left to deal with the implications, and the idea that all the work I put into my application this year will be for nothing, and that my application won't even be reviewed?

I hope I hear back from them soon. I just want to know, one way or the other. But right now, it really does look as if I won't even have a shot at the NSF GRF this year. And there's nothing I can do, or could have done, about it.

What a great way to start off in 2011, eh?

EDIT: It's official. NSF returned my reference's inquiries. They will not consider my application this year. *heavy sigh*

2010: Looking Back, Looking Ahead

Last year, when I started writing out my goals for the year ahead, the idea that I would be facing the dreaded "failed application year" was more of a faint possibility. Had I realized then that I'd be spending 2010 doing nearly the exact opposite of what I'd planned, my list of things to do would have been radically different. This is what my list looked like:

2010: Stuff I'd like to do

-Publish the results of my thesis
-Upgrade my DSLR (low priority)
-Get accepted to grad school
-Get the National Science Foundation Graduate Research Fellowship
-Move to a new city
-Start grad school
-Choose a research topic for my dissertation
-Apply for the NSF GRFP (if I don't get it in April)
-Select an adviser

Out of that list, I accomplished two things: I upgraded my DSLR, and reapplied for the NSF grant. Ironic, perhaps, that the item on my list with the lowest priority was one of only two things I managed to check off. I upgraded my camera in early May. I decided to drown my sorrows in expensive, delicious camera equipment. Which I suppose is both better and worse than alcohol and/or antidepressants. Probably.

The other things on my list? Well, the results of my thesis are currently in review, until an undetermined time in the future when the journal decides to get back to me. So, although I made some progress there, publication didn't happen. I did not get accepted to grad school, get the NSF GRF, move to a new city, start grad school, choose a research topic, or select an adviser. So I didn't do so well.

2010: A Year in Review

What did I do in 2010? Well, I:
-Worked on a horse ranch
-Started barrel racing and even managed to win some money
-Attended and presented at the American Society of Mammalogist's annual conference
-Visited several graduate schools to meet with potential advisers
-Reapplied to graduate school, and reapplied for the NSF GRFP
-Had the opportunity to do some really cool winter fieldwork

All in all, it was a tough year. Although I enjoyed a lot of 2010, the overall theme (e.g. failing to get into grad school, worrying about keeping my job, moving around, etc.) wasn't what I'd hoped. I suppose I just have to keep my fingers crossed that 2011 will be a little brighter.

2011: Stuff I'd like to do

Unsurprisingly, my list of goals for 2011 is very similar to that for 2010.

-Publish the results of my thesis
-Get accepted to grad school
-Get the National Science Foundation Graduate Research Fellowship
-Move to a new city
-Start grad school
-Choose a research topic for my dissertation
-Apply for the NSF GRFP (if I don't get it in April)
-Select an adviser

I should probably add a few other things in there, just in case I don't get accepted again this year and need something to accomplish. So I'll go ahead and add

-Print more of my photographs

That, at least, I know I can do.